How not to choose a pet ....

Ah yes, a 'How no to' post! If you want to read more about doing things quite wrong, just click on the sidebar link. There are quite a few posts...... haha.
Today's subject is 'How not to choose a pet'.

At Half an Acre we don't 'do pets' very well. It started with the stick insects, which are probably the most boring pets on the planet, as they don't move, make a noise, bite or even smell. They hang around all day pretending to be, er, sticks. If you scare one, it drops off its twig and pretends to be a dead stick. They live for around one year, at the end of which they give up eating until they shrivel up and become dried-up sticks. They are also nocturnal. This means that you have to set your alarm for 3am if you want to see them move. Boring. Boring. Boring. But, me, being me, got a kind of kick out of that and I loved them.

So.
Now we have another pet. Here he is .....

Yup - a spider. He is living in our bath. He has been there around 2 weeks and is very comfy thank you very much. Notice anything? That's right, he only has six legs, the result of my middle son trying to get him out of the bath. So now he's staying put. He's built a lovely web around the place, and there is his leaf (which blew in the open bathroom window) and he has his two fallen-off legs artistically arranged around the place. There is also his collection of 'debris'. You know, dead, sucked dry things.

NEWSFLASH! At this point I would like to interject and point out that we do have two other showers and another whole bathroom so we DO NOT SMELL.

I nearly moved him once but me, being me, thought that he looked kinda at home and thought I'd just let him be. He is only a six-legged spider, how can he survive out in the world?

So, there you have it, how not to choose a pet. Don't choose a weird pet which makes anyone visiting your house look at you strangely. Do not choose a pet whose existence might compromise your personal hygiene. Do not keep stick insects because they are boring as hell and do not keep a disabled spider in your bath because that is just a little odd.

How not to enter a competition.

I seem to be able to do quite a lot of these 'How not to ...' posts. Hmmmm, I wonder why? Perhaps I should be learning something about myself from all this!

So - this competition? There was a feature about it in the Daily Telegraph about it - The V&A World Beach Project. Fabulous. I was right over the road from a beach! Make some beach art, photograph it and send in the pictures. You can then plot the exact location on their google map. YAY! Love it!

Ta da da da daaaaaaaa!
Sand Face!

Okay - it's not a masterpiece. It didn't take me very long but there it is. I took this one picture of it.

Last night I did all my uploading and downloading and sideloading of pictures and got down to the business of entering the competition. Now here's the 'how not to' bit.
When entering a competition READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
Oh how simple.

So - here are the instructions for you to read so you can see why I can't enter.
The V&A World Beach Project

Gah! And I'm not right over the road from the beach anymore. Poo. What an idiot.

How not to go camping in Wales ......

Take three friends, eight assorted children, nine stuffed toys, one non-plussed dog and three tents. Put them all in a field on the Welsh coast. Add wind, rain and a severe weather warning (but of course!) and see how long you can maintain a stiff upper lip!











See how grey - see how miserable - see those guy ropes strain! Hear that flap-flapping tent slap slapping around your head ALL night - hear that rain lashing against the tent ALL day and ALL night. Oh how we laughed. Ahhhhhaaaaahhhaaaaaaboooohoooooooosob.
The kids did things to amuse themselves ....
















Such as wearing a stuffed woodlouse as a hat .... and dressing up in girls' clothes and wearing a sock nose protector.
The dog got to dress up too .....

We did have one afternoon when we actually got out of the tent .....


..... but it was still an opportunity for some interesting headwear.














And on arriving home ... look what i'm going to have to deal with for the next few days ...

Lovely!

How not to make a paper mache whale/shark/fish thing...

The third in my "How not to......" series! I'm good at doing things all back to front and taking months to finish them. It all starts with a mad spurt. It would be fine if there wasn't that period for drying or setting or flattening, in fact anything which causes a break in the process. That is when the process stops ..... nice cup of coffee and 'I'll finish that tomorrow'...

It all began before Christmas - arghghgghghgghhh - so long ago!
*blows dust off*
So this time it was a whale. It was meant to be a whale. Why is that chicken wire stuff so expensive? At least, it was a my local garden centre. Expensive and spikey. I'd read somewhere that the thing to do was to make a wire frame. Hokay. Much snipping (using the kitchen scissors) and bending and spiking of skin ensued. It's pretty hard to make something vaguely fishy without having to mould a particular species ...... I'd made a kind of fish cockatrice - part whale, part shark, part seal, part submarine.


There it is in the picture - all papermached up. Now if you want something covered beautifully in this decoupagey manner visit Bombus - do not ask me. Got that? The fishy thing is all bumpy and dented and mis-shaped and no-one can agree on what it resembles most. The plan was to cover it in a star map but it because very clear that that just looked pants - due to the 'mostly blue with little faint constalations' - so it got more mappage. Its meant to fly over our map table (another How not to......) so I guess that more map would be okay.



Here it is - nearly finished. We used all the star map initally then put the other maps over the top - only we ran out. This means that there is that dreaded 'pause in the process'. Uh oh.





So - there it sits on the floor in the kitchen. At least it is down off the top of that bookcase where it has been since last year.
Now I have to listen to the boys saying "Mummy, it looks nothing like a whale, its a shark, on its side."
Thanks boys.

How not to decorate your workroom.

I have decided that these 'How Not To' posts will be a regular thing. It started with How not to put a map on a kitchen table. So, pay attention, this is Chapter Two - "How Not To Decorate Your Workroom".

Today I have been painting up some little fishies ready to go off to the lovely Green Tree Gallery in Sussex. Look, there they all are, all lined up and looking lovely - not quite finished but on their way. And, do you know what I decided about two thirds of the way through? Yep - I decided that the blue I was doing one fish with would make a lovely blue for the walls. My room is the only one still painted in the previous owners dull as ditchwater colour scheme - a cold, murky, pale greyish blue - guaranteed to make even the dullest day even duller. Lovely. So, right there and then I started painting the walls. Did I first remove everything from the room? No. Did I cover up or move my little fishies, so lovingly painted? No. Did I get a roller from the garage? No. Did I chose a very small brush from my collection and just starting painting round everything? Yes! Good grief! Why? And I'm tutting at the blue splatters on an already painted wooden bird!


It takes me ages, with this wee brush. Why don't I get a larger on? I've got the radio on and I'm listening to Radio 5 Live and having a lovely time, with my little brush and my lovely turquoise paint. Then I did a very mad thing - I re-hung my wooden stuff on the walls before it was properly dry. What is wrong with me? Has impatience reached a new level? Is it just that I can't bear to break to do anything so much so that it has to have the minimum of inpact on me? Was that last sentence English?

This is all because I have a new blind coming. A lovely blind. One of extreme funky big floweriness being made up by a friend who can do clever things such as making blinds. When it arrives I will show you my blind and you will love my blind. You will.

See those awful walls? "Soon they will be beautiful", you say. But remember the two pictures above? That was a few days ago. They still look the same today. I have not painted them anymore that what you can see. This is typical. I have painted exactly where the blind will be. This means that the blind will be put up and I will not bother to paint the rest of the room the rest of the room! My attitude stinks. 1/10 for effort.

How not to put a map on a kitchen table.

My kitchen table was a mess quite honestly. We willynilly painted all over it, dug scalpels into it and generally abused it's accomodating nature. In return for this maltreatment it wobbled irritatingly. Time for a makeover! I love maps and the enjoyment of them seems to be a bit of a family trait in our household so a map it was. A big map.
So, being the sort of person who just 'starts' regardless, I started at breakfast! All you need is a table and some maps, right? I had the additional aid of a boy eating cereal, a stuffed bunny and a red blood cell. That's that red thing on the table made by the eccentric and fabulous Fur will fly. All very useful.
So I cut and glued and stuck and smoothed until I had all the edges covered. Pretty good, eh? Then came the BIG map. My specially bought, paper, map all cosseted in it's protective tubing. Such a pretty map. I glued one end and stuck it to the table and then called my husband to help. He stood on the table, holding the rest of it up, whilst I tried to glue it. Remember that this IS NOT a tutorial. You cannot spread PVA with a very small brush onto a large sheet of paper being held in mid air. So I shouted at him because it was SO obviously his fault because he was JUST STANDING THERE holding the paper IN THE WRONG WAY!!!!! Spray Mount. Yes, that'll do it! The nozzle was all gummed up and shot out at an angle. So I spray-mounted my wrist and then the floor. Now I'm stomping around with my feet going 'schwrit ..schiwrit...schiwrit' brandishing an aerosol yelling at the kids to GET OUT OF THE WAY! We get the map flat on the table but most if it isn't stuck. Never mind. My husband decides he has something better to do. Damnation!
I spent a very happy few hours (alone - my family instinctively know when to KEEP OUT OF THE WAY) sticking all those lovely information bits round the edges. I love them. Ocean currents, volcanic activity, tectonic plate movements, time zones ...... I was right back in that geography lesson. And the boys are all running in to have a look an pour over the information. How warm and fuzzy I am feeling!
All done!
Then I varnish it.
It all bubbles up.
All the bits where the spray mount didn't go.
Which is most of the centre of the map.
I didn't weep
only nearly........
When it was all dry it looks terrible. Terrible. I shout again. "WILL YOU STOP TELLING ME IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NOT ENOUGH GLUE ON IT!!!!" and "I KNOW there is NOT ENOUGH glue on it!". And other variations. So, after much discussion,we conclude that there was not enough glue on it. The only choice is to PUT more glue on it. I cut and lift up flappy sections of the map and re-glue them all. I smooth and smooth and smooth it all out over and over. Then a bit rips! GAH! I won't be defeated!! I am The Map Meister! I flap, stick and smooth for hours until IT'S DONE!!! It looks fabulous! It is still not very flat. There are lumps and bumps but I don't care - it is wonderful.
I'm starting on the chairs now.